The light that lies beneath the pain

Over the last few thousand years perhaps our souls have become enclosed and desensitized and have a layer or two encrusting it. As we are shattered time and time again the light begins to shine through. It is a painful process, and one we would rather do without. Yet the light is beautiful and inspiring. It is a holy light, a glimpse at G-d. A hint to what we will all be. A force the nations of the world are afraid of. They see it too and are fighting it viciously. But this light will never be hidden again. It will only burn brighter and stronger. With every tear we shed, our light shines brighter. With every hug we give, we dispel more and more darkness. Throw down your walls, your barriers, your anger. Lift your eyes to the heavens and know from where your help is coming. They say Shabbos is a healer. By lighting the Shabbos candles we add to the light in a most majestic and positive way.  Add light, hug each other, cry with each other and cry for each other.
To all of us broken people of the world, have a beautiful Shabbos. May we all become whole again.

The Song

Today I feel like the luckiest lady in the world. Last night we had a most amazing gathering in honor of my husband's birthday.  Among the many special things that happened, was the song. Years ago, after my youngest was born, I was bedridden for three years. It was a hard time for us and Yitzi wrote a beautiful song. Thankfully we have a recording of him singing it and playing guitar. Last night our "family" of yeshiva students together with 8th day, did the most beautiful rendition ever!  Why am I so lucky?  Three years ago, I had never met 90% of the special people we now know that so enhance our lives and bring us so much joy.  Yes, life is challenging, and yes it is hard. But we get to experience more beauty then most. The best part of the human experience takes place in my home at my husband's bedside.

Happy Anniversary

19 years ago, on Tu B'shvat, Yitzi Hurwitz and I got married. It was a beautiful and special day. The feeling I had was, Now The world is complete and Moshiach can come.  Two souls finding each other and completing each other is it's own personal redemption. Imagine the magnification of that over millions of people and Hashem. If you don't feel that, how can you yearn for what you don't know exists?  Perhaps a silly feeling, but the two of us were going to make it our life mission to make sure that happens. We went on roller coasters and marry-go-rounds, and always landed right back on our path of bringing Moshiach. Sometimes it was us who got on the ride, and sometimes G-d put us on it. Often I came off tired and Yitzi came off laughing. "Oh how much Hashem loves us!" Clearly the path to Moshiach looks different then I thought, it is not just a mission forging on, it's wrapped in heartache and devastation, fear and anger, and always love. And yet here we are, still forging on. My one theory is that we have all gone crazy, my better theory is that we are holding the Rebbe's hand, picking up every broken flower on the way.  I don't know where we are going and how to get there, but we are holding the Rebbe's hand and he knows.

What does that even mean?

Today is such a heartbreaking day for the Chabad community. A vibrant young rabbi has suddenly been snatched from this world, leaving behind a beautiful wife and seven small children. His very lofty soul was called back home, and we are all left in shock and in pain. The ways of Hashem continue to baffle me. There are so many Torah verses to stick in here, but they don't relieve the loss.

There is something I want you to be sensitive to. Do not say-Hashem only gives us what we can handle. You are placing blame on the family by doing that. I know, you would have never thought of that. And you would never, G-d forbid, do something like that. It is natural for the family to search themselves to try and figure out the why. When you say that, you mean well I'm sure, yet what is heard is "If I was weaker my kids would have a father".
The second part is, what does that even mean?  We lived, despite the fact?  It didn't kill us?  I won't loose my mind just like I lost my heart?  However good your intentions may be, it is an awful thing to hear.
In this situation do not rationalize pain away. It is better to sit silently and cry together.

Highs and Lows

Last Chanukah, we all prepared the menorahs with so much joy and excitement. We love Chanukah. I watched Yitzi prepare his menorah, shine it, set it up, and light the Shamesh. Suddenly his joy turned to confusion, now what?  He could no longer speak, and no longer make the blessings. I quickly turned to our oldest son and said "Please make the Bracha with Tatty".  A moment of surprise, followed by a moment of grief, then a beautiful smile and with his head held high, he made the Bracha with (for) his father. Almost the same voice, the same tune, and the same smile. At the first opportunity, I ran to my room to fall apart. All I could think of, was how much we had lost. I cried half of Chanukah (at least), until I finally caught myself. I refocused on all we still have and all we have gained. It was a monster of an effort, but it worked.
So here we are again. Comparing this year to last, wondering why I didn't appreciate what we had.  I had a husband that could walk, and dance, and light the menorah.  We were not bed bound, he could communicate with his phone.  And here I am, wondering if I will go through this again next year.
Is there a way to skip the first part, where I cry for days, and just focus on the amazing blessings we have?  I don't even know how to do that.  There is a cycle, with highs and lows. You can't just skip around can you?  My moments (or days) of fears and pain have always helped me to a greater understanding and a closeness to Hashem.  How can I do that without ruining Chanukah?  I honestly don't know. I have two days to figure it out.

I am with you

I will be your arms

I will be your legs

I will be your voice

I will be your entertainer

I will be your translator

I will be your link with the outside

You will be my heart

You will be my soul

You will be my best friend

You will be my strength

You will be my inspiration. 

And when you can

You will dance with me

You will sing with me

You will speak with me

You will eat with me

You will change the world with me

Until then

I wait with you

I dream with you

I pray with you

I am with you

Today is a very special day for me. 19 years ago Yitzi and I got engaged. It was the beginning of our very special journey together. I knew then I had found a Prince. Not just from the perspective of a starry eyed 21 year old.  It felt like we were continuing something that had started thousands of years before. I recognized something unique in Yitzi the first second I saw him. I had never seen someone so happy, so full of excitement and life. I feel the same way now, just a lot more tired. Little did I know the kids would all have his energy.
Our lives together have been extremely blessed, and may it continue to be so for many more years.
Today I want to Bless you, who have yet to find your Prince or Princess. You should know that Hashem has a special plan for you and a special person for you. We do not always see our pathways laid out nicely in front of us. That is because we are royalty, we are the children of the King. We are not the ones behind the scene planning and arranging, we just show up with our best self possible, and Hashem takes care of the rest.  Be your best self, and trust in Hashem to make the plans. May we all say L'chaim together soon, at your L'chaim and wedding.