The Night Shift

Here I sit at 2 am watching my husband sleep. The hum of the ventilator and the air mattress keep this room from being too quiet. The noise makes me feel like I am loosing my hearing. It's loud and quiet at the same time. He sleeps so peacefully. It's been a difficult few days for him, stomach problems and minor fever. Tonight is the second night that I am nurse. I am not good at sleeping during the day so I've had 4 hours sleep in the last almost two days. I worry about being too tired, it's easier to feel down and overwhelmed. I've already broken my diet fifty times in the last two days. Stress does that. The nurse cancels and I need chocolate. There is no point in fighting it. 

It has been three years since Yitzi's diagnosis and we have all changed so much in that time. I wish I was the person I used to be. So full of hope, so certain that our miracle would come any second. By now I feel like I have some version of PTSD. Three years running on fumes. The stress does not lessen ever. The problems become more difficult and we are all exhausted. I can't seem to focus well or remember things. How do people live in panic mode? The human body is not built to be under constant stress. It takes a heavy toll on me. Many days I would rather stay home then attempt a brave face in public. The effort to seem normal is getting unbearable. I find reminders of the life we had everywhere. They are both beautiful and sad to me. Watching fathers play with their kids, husbands and wives going out together, friends marrying off children. I wonder if people appreciate what they have. I try hard to stay away from memories at night. It makes sleep even harder, but tonight sleep is not an option so I have nothing to worry about.

Dedication

I want to tell you something about dedication. Every three months my husband has to have his treach changed. It is usually done in the hospital but for him they do it at home. It takes ten minutes to set him up, about a minute to actually change it, and ten minutes to clean him up. Yitzi likes me to be there with him so he doesn't feel alone. All day I have been dreading it. It makes my knees weak and it's terrifying to me that they remove his ability to breathe. Even if it's for less then a minute. So in order to prepare for being knocked out for part of today, Yitzi started writing his Dvar Torah yesterday. He wrote all morning. He wrote after being given the sleepy pill. He wrote while they prepared him, he paused while they changed the treache and continued while they cleaned him up. He kept fighting sleep while he edited it. He fought it for an hour in a half, until he felt it was done. Then he went to sleep. I'm sure he was in pain, and uncomfortable, and so drowsy, yet more then all of that, he is dedicated. Dedicated to the Rebbe, to teaching, and to you. 

At One Time

Right now, somewhere in the world, someone is laughing and someone is crying. Someone is getting married and someone just lost their spouse. Someone is being born and someone is dying.  Someone is getting better and someone is getting worse. Someone is getting their life together and someone is falling apart. Someone is celebrating and someone is mourning. Someone is planting and someone is reaping. Someone is falling in love and someone is lonely. Someone is singing a song of joy and someone is singing a song of pain. Somewhere it is day and somewhere it is night. Somewhere it is winter and somewhere it is summer. 

This world is huge and confusing and two opposites can occur simultaneously. 

In Kohelet there is a well known verse "Everything has an appointed season, and there is a time for every matter under the heaven. 

A time to give birth and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to uproot that which is planted..." Is it possible for all of those times happen together? Same time different place. All over the world right now, it is a time for everything. Tonight is our 20th anniversary. It is a joyful day and a difficult day. Right here in my own little world, I can feel two very different emotions. I am so grateful for what I have and long with all my heart and soul for more. I hope that wherever you may be in this great world, there is someone special you are experiencing life with, through the joyful and the difficult. It is far to much to do alone. And if G-d is taking His time before introducing you to eachother, know He must think it's worth it. So here I have just one question. If all of life and death can take place at this very moment, where on this earth is our redemption? We experience exile so profoundly, so painfully and for so long, we must experience our redemption the same way. Is there no place on earth where someone is experiencing the beauty of Moshiach. How much longer must we wait for this to be a reality in this time and in this place?

My Dream

I have a dream that the day will come very soon when Jewish people are safe. In their homes, in the street, wherever they may be, however they are dressed. I dream that this world and the people in it that have such capacity to be good and beautiful realize our potential. I dream of a just society where good is recognized and rewarded and evil is despised. I dream of politicians who care more about the people then the position. I dream of people who are judged according to their actions. I dream that the line of people by the pharmacy, were getting medicine to cure them and not to keep them sick. I dream that that line would get shorter and not longer. I dream of medical breakthroughs without the bureaucratic red tape.  I dream that children should not have to fear loosing a parent. I dream of a time when the broken heart can become whole again.  I dream of a day when the prayers of our hearts are answered. 

Until that day, I will continue to work towards that dream with all of my broken heart and soul.  I hope you will too. 

A Day in My Life

Today is turning into a most unusual day. My housekeeper quit but I can't be sure that it's for long term or this week. I really wish I understood Spanish. My 2-10 nurse quit and while they are looking for a new one, they probably won't find one this week. At least I know I won't be spending all my time doing laundry. This is all very inconvenient yet a blessing. My housekeeper has become very unreliable and doesn't do a great job. While I know it will be a pain in the neck to find and train someone new, I think we will be better off. The nurse was from the company we contract with, I have no idea if and when they find someone if they will be better, but I certainly hope so. My daughters went off to winter camp for a week so I have more time and less guilt and I love spending time with Yitzi. All in all, I've had too many coffees today and I can't wait to have more. Did I mention my Shalom came home from camp today? Finally someone who loves kisses as much as I do.  I think I'm going to order boots on Amazon and have them gift wrapped. That should do it. Anyone see my coffee?

Hiding in the Corner

Last night I went to my first Chai Lifeline party.  There were a lot of people there, way too many people there.  I knew very few of them.  They look like normal families, just like mine.  Occasionally you see someone that has obvious signs of sickness, but most were people you see every day and have no idea what they are living through.  My reaction took me by suprise.  I didn't want to meet anyone.  I could not bare the thought of all the pain, the fear, the struggles that everyone was going through.  I didn't feel strong enough to handle any of it.  So I did the only thing I could think of, I hid in the corner.  Yes, you heard me right.  I was too afraid to make eye contact for fear of seeing what I feel reflected back at me.  I actually shocked myself.  I did not expect to have this reaction and I'm sure that if Yitzi were there he would be talking to everyone, and I'm kicking myself for not being more like him.  Then this very nice lady says to me, "Are you hiding in the corner?". I answer affirmatively.  "Can I hide with you?"  Of course you can.  It was both of our first event and we were both a bit overwhelmed to say the least.  One of her daughters is battling Cancer and thank G-d, seems to be doing well.  We spoke for a while, we have friends in common, and I met three of her four lovely children.  I am not sure if she was really hiding or just being nice, but I was sad to see her go.  The room itself was super happy.  A lot of good food, art projects, loud music and dancing.  I did find myself dancing a little but still in my corner. The kids were having a fantastic time.  I tried to imagine how the volunteers of Chai Lifeline manage.  All I can come up with is that they are angels from G-D.  Their mission is to make the sad happy, the lonely feel loved, and the weak feel strong.  And if that is not possible, they will hold you up until you can stand on your own.  My next party will be different.  I will find the courage to step away from the wall.  These are not just people with pain, these are people with strength.  I hope I can be more like them.

Chai Lifeline is a non profit organization that helps families that are battling serious disease.  Look them up, they are amazing.

Thank G-d For The Lighthouse

There is a stormy sea of negativity out there that is so easy to get swept up in. Wherever you look it is raging. The sea is churning with hate and lies and is red from blood. It continues to grow stronger and stronger like a storm from hell. Then you see the Jewish nation. Who rise like lions above the sea, they sing and dance with their broken hearts and their smiles shining with the light of G-d. Defiant in the face of our enemies, forging ahead until the sea will split. The one beacon of truth and light in the world. The one nation that cries for those we have never met and dances together at the weddings of orphans. This is the army of G-d. We defend His honor vigorously despite how unpopular it has become.  We insist on living magnificently although that seems to bother many. We are the lighthouse available to all who look to find light. 

I find myself drawn to people who are so brave that they seem to singlehandedly inspire thousands. Who kill a terrorist while there is a knife in their heart. Who understand our collective pain as a nation and despite their own pain, invite the entire country to their wedding. And at the wedding? They shine with light and love and joy, although their hearts are shattered. To the people who give generously to their families to survive. It fills my heart with hope for tomorrow and my eyes with tears of gratefulness. What a holy nation. 

This Thanksgiving I have so much to be thankful and grateful for. I am a proud member of G-d's army, fighting daily to bring light, love, and joy into this world. I am grateful for this country that gives me that freedom and pray that this freedom remains strong forever. I am so grateful to our family and friends that shower us with their love, their time, and their energy. I am grateful for my beautiful husband Yitzi. He is my rock and my best friend. He has taught me how to live the best way possible, and encourages me to be courageous. My heart and soul are connected to his forever. I am grateful for my children who are so remarkable and kind and funny.   I am grateful to our nurses who take good care of Yitzi. I am grateful for music that heals my broken heart and wonderful people who bring it into my home. I am grateful that every so often I can be brave and help others thru their pain as well. But mostly, I am grateful to G-d, who loves us and gives us purpose and promises a better future.