The Year in Review Part 2

After taking the time I needed (and perhaps a little more) to consider and acknowledge all I have lost this year, it is time to recognize all I have gained. On a scale, the gains far out way the losses. This year my family grew from the nine of us to all of us. I have met you in my home, in the streets, online, and thru friends. You have given time, love, energy and dinner every night to my family. You have cried with us and laughed with us.  We met you on the streets of Jerusalem, Chevron, Temecula, Boston, New York and Los Angeles.  We spent Chanukah and Pesach with you. We are forever grateful for your warmth and words of encouragement. You tell us your miracle stories and reassure us that ours is around the corner.  You take my kids to the park and give them an extra hug.  How can I say just say thank you for all of that?  Our family would not be where we are today without you. 

Our lives are laden with emotion. Much of the emotion is love, hope, and joy mixed in with bouts of fear, an occasional angry and a whole lot of tired.  You never judge us, you let us be what we are at the moment. You cry with us and celebrate with us.  You leave us feeling loved and we are in awe of you. 

A few weeks ago, Yitzi wrote on his weekly Torah blog about the blessings and the curses. The question arose, if G-d is all good, how can there be curses?  And he answers that there are outright blessings and then a deeper good that comes into the world through difficulty and suffering. We don't see them as blessings at the onset however with time we recognize how they are truly blessings. 

I imagined a world where everyone had what they needed, there was no sickness and no problems. The more I thought about it, the lonelier it seemed. We help each other, we get to know each other. We work together to make this world better, on a community level and a personal level. How many people have you met while you were helping someone else?  We band together in times of perceived "curses" and amazing things happen. We get to know each-other. I am very aware of all of the blessings that have come from this awful sickness and it is beautiful. 

This Rosh Hashana, I am sure your prayers will reach the heavens. May Hashem answer all of our prayers. May He heal all of our broken hearts, and may we merit to live in peace and harmony, yet together as was always the intention. 

Year in Review - Part 1

As the new year approaches, I've been thinking a lot of this past year.  Last year Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, and Succot we were in Temecula. We walked to the synogogue, and ate holiday meals together. My husband looked strong and healthy although he couldn't speak anymore and was having a lot of trouble eating. We were home with our community in our very precious Chabad House.  It's true I was preoccupied with trying to get a feeding tube put in and how ridiculous insurance companies are.  Yet we were so confident that our miracle was just around the corner.  I can't seem to wrap my head around the changes since then. How does that happen in one year?  It honestly breaks my heart. My children have been through so much, how is it possible for them to still smile and laugh?  It is kind of embarrassing to say, but my faith is struggling. I know many intelligent debates of G-d's plans and everything is for the good, yet I am perhaps too selfish to care about the long term good.  My soul is being held hostage and G-d is not telling me what the ransom is. We are stuck in this struggle of think good and it will be good, and the reality in front of us. Today the struggle is very heavy, perhaps tomorrow I will remember all of the amazing things we got to experience this year.

Ramblings of a Broken Heart

It's time to get real. Life is hard. I thought I was handling it fairly decent, and then all of sudden it got too hard too quickly. The positive side of my brain has taken a break and all I'm left with is “Why?”. If all we know about G-d is true, why would He do this? Why would He create us as thinking, logical beings and put us in a world that makes no sense? Why, if the body is a tool for the soul to soar, is it now a jail? Why are all of the prayers and good deeds not enough? Why can this ever be for the good? Why isn't my husband angry? Why does G-d think I can handle this? Why does anybody think that?

I acknowledge that we are extremely blessed. There are many who do not have the life-vests we do to prevent us from sinking. There are many who are alone in their pain, without the love and support of friends, family, and community. On many days that is enough for me, to know that we are surrounded by unbelievably amazing human beings. But then I watch my husband get weaker and all I want is a miracle from G-d. It's not that I just want it, I need it to live. I am but half of a whole, and not even the better half. How does a person survive without a heart?

My logical brain says G-d wants something from us. He had a different path for us then the one we were on. So he loads us like a cannonball, and shoots us out. We landed so far from where we were, it is almost hard to recognize ourselves. We are in a different city, different schools, totally different lives. We have changed in many ways. We will never be the people we were before and that is fine. We have grown and become stronger. So thank you G-d for that. But now, You are breaking us. Would it not serve You better to remove this test? We are your biggest fans and we will use what we learned to help this broken world. You must know that. But there is nothing good about being too broken. The world has enough pain to last a millenia, is there really a need for more?

In the past few months I have seen something incredible. When a person hears of someone else breaking their foot, we feel bad for them. When we hear of someone's heartache, we actually feel pain for them. We cry for each other, we pray for each other, and we celebrate with each other. This Pesach was spent with many wonderful people. On the way home I saw my several of my children crying. When asked why they told me that their friends were going back to New York for their father's first Yarztheit, and that broke their hearts. Can you imagine that my kids have room for the pain of others? They hardly ever cry. G-d!!! Do you hear me? Is there no other way to accomplish what You need? Even the hearts of the broken have the capacity for compassion. Are we not in Your image?

The Sun is Rising

We all know this world has suffered many generations of tragedy and calamities, yet what we have experienced the last two months is different. There is no bad guy and no natural disaster, and while some have had serious sickness, many have been in apparently very good health, yet we have lost far too many.  To me this seems very unnatural. 

The world we live in is a world of G-dliness hidden within nature. When we see the G-dliness outside of nature, we call it a miracle. We are taught that this world is meant to function thru nature, where G-d remains hidden from us, and we will see revealed G-dliness when Moshiach comes and we are no longer in exile.

The past two months are supposed to be the happiest months in the Jewish calendar, yet we have seen tragedy after tragedy. We do not call it a miracle when we see G-d going beyond the natural realm in a negative way. The pain goes beyond what we as natural human beings can tolerate. Yet we are also beyond nature. We are G-dly beings. What we have done in the face of our heartbreak has been G-dly. We have changed the world in honor of our friends, our brothers, our sisters.  We have reached beyond our pain, our breaking point is even broken. We have held hands, comforted each other, and vowed to do more then we already do from around the world.

So I say this is something different, something larger then what our brains can comprehend, yet our souls sense that G-d is doing something different. Something is changing, and we sense it when we wipe away our tears. This is it, the big one, what we have all been waiting for.

Wipe away your tears for Shabbos and recognize the change. Hope for what it is bringing and look forward to seeing our brothers and sisters again very soon.

May your Shabbos be special and beautiful. And May Hashem erase the tears from our faces forever.

Hope

This year on Hashanah Rabba, one of the holiest days of the year, we were fortunate to receive a beautiful gift from G-d.  My husband came home from morning prayers and told me there is a visitor in Temecula for the second part of the holiday of Succot.  He is visiting with his wife from the Upper West side of Manhattan, and they may be joining us for the meal later that afternoon.  That’s unusual I thought, who comes to Temecula for the holiday and doesn’t ask to join for a meal or for a place to sleep?  Later that day, a midst the chaos of preparing for a three day holiday, the most beautiful couple walks in.  I am a bit embarrassed wearing my “I’m stuck in the kitchen all day clothing”, yet they seem genuinely happy to be joining us.  Unfortunately, I did not have a whole lot of time to speak with them, but thankfully my Mother-in-Law was there and they shared many stories.  They were in Temecula because his college roommate was getting married on Shabbat, and they were staying in a winery close enough to the wedding that they could walk.  After the meal, this beautiful woman gave me a hug and started to cry.  “Ask your Mother-in-Law why I needed to spend the holiday in Temecula so I could meet you today.”

I looked at my Mother-in-Law and asked, “What did she tell you?”

This is the story as my Mother-in-Law remembers it…

When they first got married, they went on their honeymoon to a very beautiful Island.  They went bungee jumping and something went terribly wrong.  She crashed into a rock and broke her back and neck, and was unconscious.  There were no adequate hospitals nearby, so they chartered a plane back to New York.  The doctors there put her through many tests and came back with very bad news.  She had broken almost every bone in her body and was absolutely brain dead.  It was time for her new husband to say good bye.  After a few months, her fingers and toes began to move.  The doctor was quick to assure her husband that it means nothing, it is just reflexes.  A few months later she woke up.  After many more tests, the doctor informed them that although she far surpassed his expectations, it would not get better then this.  She will never walk and never have children.

She then told my Mother-in-Law,  I came to Temecula today to tell you this.  I walked into your son’s house, pregnant with my second child with one message.  There is only One healer, and He is Hashem!! 

The reason I am sharing this story with you, is because my story is your story too.  My heartache is yours, my little miracles are yours, and my big miracle will be yours too.  I can see your actions, and how they have impacted the lives of my family, I see amazing kindness and generosity.  I see that you are truly remarkable, and we are the lucky ones being cradled by you.  I cannot find the right words to express my gratitude.  When I share my good days with you, I can see in your eyes that you are as happy as I am.  When I share the hard days, you are in pain with me.  I hardly know some of you, and your care is so real, so sincere, it brings tears to my eyes.  When you stop me on the street to ask how we are and to give us blessings, I know it is not just words, I know you mean it from the deepest part of your soul, and it moves me to tears. 

Then I wonder, how does all this look to G-d?  This outpouring of love from all over the world?  It must be absolutely beautiful.  Our ancestors must be looking at us with so much pride.

This brings me hope.  Hope for a miracle, hope for my family, and hope for the thousands of families just like mine. 

Hope is an interesting thing.  It has an energy and excitement accompanying it.  It makes us feel happy, positive, and brave.  It is the opposite of being frozen with fear.  Hope spurs us into action.  Hope is not a luxury, it is an absolute necessity. 

[Some feel that being hopeful, is being in denial of your situation.  You are not being realistic about your future.  Doctors look as us with pity.  For all of their efforts to help us understand our future, we are just not intelligent enough to get it.  When we will be depressed, they will have succeeded in doing their job well, for now we will understand how our future looks.]

We do not live our lives to make our Doctors happy.  There is only One healer, and He is Hashem!!  We are strong believers in Hashem.  We have always been, it is deeply ingrained in our DNA. 

The day we received our diagnosis, was to say the least, a traumatic day.  Our long drive home was silent, cold, and fearful.  When I finally could speak, I asked Yitzi, “What have you always wanted to do, but haven’t done yet?”  He answered immediately, as if he was thinking the same thing.  “We never wrote a Torah or built a Mikvah.”  (Ritual Bath).  Silly me, I actually thought he was also going to say ‘take you to Hawaii’.

Well we have begun dream number one.  We have started writing a Torah.  We are calling it “Torat Chaim”  The Torah of Life.  Please join us in bringing this dream to life. http://www.rabbiyitzistorah.com/

We thank you for your prayers, your generosity, and your love.  May this year bring to all of us great healing, joy and laughter, and of course – hope.

Three Feet Deep

The past month and a half have been quite challenging. All of the excitement of the Bar Mitzvah is in our wonderful memories, family has all gone home, and we are trying to get back to normal. Actually, we are trying to figure out what normal is right now. We are stuck in a holding pattern.  As of now there is no known cure for ALS, but there are many clinical trials and research that G-d willing will bring a cure.  We are Thank G-d too healthy for certain trials, and just waiting for other trials to become available, and then hope and pray that we are going to be one of the lucky twelve to be selected for it.

So we wait, we pray, we hope, and we cry (or maybe that's just me). Some days are good days. The kids are happy, Yitzi is feeling well, there is an atmosphere of joy and excitement that permeates our home. We know how many people around the world are doing extra Mitzvos on Yitzi's behalf and how many are praying for us.  For those of you who don't know, there is even a website called amitzvahforyitzi.org!  We can feel a miracle just around the corner. I love these days and cherish every second of them. I even answer my phone on happy days. 

Some days are downright bad days. The fear is so all consuming I cannot breath. It is like ice has begun to form deep in my soul and is spreading from there outward. Just waiting, frozen in my grief while the one I love continues to get worse and harder to understand. Sometimes for a second, I forget. He looks the same, still has the same smile and twinkle in his eyes, and then he tells me he is going to record his words, so in the future, he can communicate with his own voice through a computer. I am surprised that the tears do not come out frozen.

These days are followed by shame. Shame that I do not have enough faith and belief in Hashem. Shame that although I know the Rebbe is rooting for us and guarding us from above, I am still terrified. Shame that because of my previous blogs, people think I'm a lot stronger then I am.  I know Hashem makes miracles all of the time, some cloaked in nature and others quite obvious. I also know that not every deserving person gets one. That is what turns my heart to ice.  Are we miracle worthy?

Most of my days fall somewhere between these two. Moments of joy and hope, and moments of fear and dread, and of course hours of laundry.

Then the sun comes out again, and I remember a family trip to Big Bear Lake about six years ago. (I know it's another water analogy, but I really love water.) After watching the kids play in the lake for two days, I finally decide to jump in. I was fully dressed, and jumped into the lake, while my husband stood on the dock laughing at me. The water was incredible and very refreshing until my legs got caught in my long skirt and I started to panic. My husband very calmly says, “put your legs straight down”. I did that and found, to my embarrassment, the water was so shallow that my head and shoulders were completely out of the water. Aside from feeling foolish, (and yes, my husband was laughing his head off) I learned a very valuable lesson. It is possible to drown in three feet of water.

Right now, I am standing in murky water, where the bottom is not visible to my eye. That does not mean it is not right under my feet, but I surely wont find it in my state of panic.  I think Hashem does this purposefully, to see how we behave, and what we reflect, when we recognize our vulnerabilities.  Do we look for help, or drown in our own panic in three feet of water.

Every day we wake up with the belief that today is the day Moshiach will come. The next day we have the absolute same belief, for thousands of years.

Every day I wake up thinking today is the day a miracle will occur. At the end of the day I do feel a little less certain, yet the next morning I will wake up with the same belief.

Although I think one can definitely drown in just a few feet of water, I don't think we will. The difference between the lake and our lives is the amount of people around us. Thank you all, from my entire family, for holding us up, and keeping us from falling.  For being there when we need help, and letting us know constantly, we are not alone.  You are our life preservers.

My letter to G-d

Dear G-D,

What could I write to You that You don't already know and see? How can I be so brazen as to think I can tell You something new? I cannot. What I can do is thank you and acknowledge what I have been blessed to be a part of.

Last week was my son Eli Chaim's Bar Mitzvah. We had many celebrations in many different locations and with many different people. I have never witnessed more kindness, love, joy, unity and faith as this past week. Some by friends, some by family, and some by strangers who are now friends and family – all by your children.

For whatever reason, You have chosen my husband and our family to be a magnet to bring people together. I can understand a small part of it. My husband has always been the happiest person I know, and that hasn't changed one bit. His joy and faith and love for all people has inspired many people and continues to do so. Our children, thanks to You, are remarkable. They are strong and trust in You that You will take care of all of us.

We feel a closeness to You that we have never felt before, and we are grateful that You let us know it in little messages that You are listening and watching over us. It is comforting knowing You are with us. Thousands of people have taken upon themselves to say extra prayers or do extra Mitzvos. The world is changing for the better. There is so much goodness and beauty all around. If I can see it from my little corner, I cannot begin to imagine what it must look like to You.

What I really want to thank You for is last week Sunday. As we sat in a beautiful winery celebrating our son reaching the age of being a responsible Jewish person, I saw a sea of beauty. The Rebbe's Army surrounding us, guarding us and giving us strength and love. I felt as if I am experiencing a taste of Moshiach. The brotherhood, love, joy, faith and hope was touchable. How blessed we are that you have showered your kindness and miracles on us.

I just have one question. What else are you waiting for if not this?

Your humble servant,

A Shlucha of the Rebbe,

Dina