Monday, June 29, 2015
This entry was written on my birthday. I struggled for a while whether to put it out there or not. My frame of mind fluctuates as do my feelings. Some days are really hard and others are even good. For all of you going through hard times, I want you to know, we all have bad days. My current struggle is on finding my way without my husband actually by my side. I am not very brave and have always leaned heavily on Yitzi. All my dreams were going to be done with him. I am not the type to just try something new, and in order to survive there is a lot of NEW I have to try. So this summer I am on a journey. I only have one child home and a whole lot of time. As I begin this journey, I want to share the heartache that led me to this decision. Some people think that a bad day is illegal. Or a low mood needs to be fixed. I beg of you to stop. Life is a cycle and a healthy mind needs to reach a point on one's own in order to rise again. Sometimes well meaning words just make me feel that not only is my mood bad but I feel guilty about my mood being bad. As if it is unjustified. Let your friend know that you are there and that's it. People are amazing and on their own can rise above what even they thought was possible. To mark the 'before the journey', I am going to share my bottom of the wheel with you. Birthdays are days to check in and measure one year to the next. For me this was tortuous. I couldn't even bring myself to finish writing it. Just putting it in writing was depressing. Before I could finish, I saw a beautiful birthday wish Yitzi had posted on Facebook. Seeing that despite my agony, my husband thinks I am fantastic brought me somewhat up from my mood and thankfully unable to continue writing as I was.
I was hoping to ignore today. Let it come and go like any other day. the more I tried the more I realized that is not going to happen. I have always used my birthday to reflect on the last year and set goals for the new year, and that has me really stuck. This last year has been so difficult, I don't think I accomplished any of the goals I set out to. I am hesitant to make any new goals. Yet we survived this year. My kids are happy most of the time and growing up beautifully. My husband is an accomplished writer and teacher. He has a lot of beautiful visitors that fill our home with song and laughter, brotherhood and of course, Torah. So why am I so sad? My heart is broken and although I firmly believe that Hashem can do anything, I find myself wondering all the time why he hasn't. I feel abandoned and not worthy. Little things bother me, and I am not so interested in other people's problems. I have always been a good shoulder to cry on and now I don't have patients for anything. When I see someone driving them self in a wheelchair, I wonder if they know how lucky they are. Some days I feel like I've become the person I dread the most, a bitter person. Most of the time, I am just fine, but hardly the person I was. I don't go out too much, it's too hard answering the dreaded 'how are you?' question. I try and put on a brave face but it is exhausting.
So here ends one year, and a new journey begins. Next week I will be joining a group of women traveling to Russia and Ukraine. We will be visiting the gravesites of the early Chasidic masters and pouring our hearts out. I hope to share with you all about it.