Wednesday, November 30, 2016

The War Paints

I wake up in the morning and stare at my reflection and wonder how well can I hide it all today. Somewhat expertly I apply the mask of the day. It's my war paints and I can't go out without it. It hides the lack of sleep and the sadness, the pale cheeks, and the fact that I am getting older. It makes me feel stronger. I am playing the part of a women who has it all together. Get dressed, put on whatever costume I feel I need that day. The days that are ok, the mask is less intricate. It's really myself that I am trying to convince. Get up, get the kids up, breakfast, lunch, take them to school..... You know, like all mothers do. If I look the part, maybe I can play the part. Just keep going, and don't stop long enough to think. But somedays, the memories slip out of my eyes and down my cheeks. They wash away the war paints and I'm stuck staring reality in the face. Its not nearly as ok as I seem. Most of the time I fight that. G-D forbid should we be sad, let G-D down, let my family down, let myself down, let you down. But sometimes I am too tired to fight and my masks are not working. Sometimes it's ok to not be ok. But tomorrow I will probably buy new lipstick and see if that fixes it all. 

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Conversations With G-D

Let's imagine for a minute that G-D took our hand in His and said "I have a job for you. It's going to be a hard one but I know you can do it. Your path will be full of heartbreak and difficulties, yet you will be able to help and comfort many. When it's time I will show you how important it was and how necessary you are, but until then, although you will comfort many, none will comfort you." 
Would you take the job? I know I would without hesitation, yet without that conversation, I am having a hell of a time with all this. This is probably true for most of us. Our challenges are straight from G-D, and we know He is good and kind and the only reason he would put coal through the fire is to make a diamond. Our souls were each told something like this on their way down, and we really have no say in that part of the deal. The part we do have a say in, is what we do with it. The founder of the Chassidik movement, the Baal Shem Tov, taught us that a soul comes into this world for 70 or 80 years just to do a favor for another. Can you imagine if we measured our success by that? Not fame or fortune, but a kind and generous heart. A person willing to forgo their personal comfort to help another. A person willing to approach another in need, and offer assistance.  Let's get really uncomfortable. Let's say, my journey is hard and I know how that feels, maybe I can make someone else's easier. Along the way, that might bring you some satisfaction and will most definitely be more purposeful. For myself, I have noticed that I am occasionally able to help people and to comfort them. Let them know they are not alone in this great big world. Yet I feel very alone. At night I am alone. In actuality and in my mind. It's painful and harsh and the worst part is also the best part. Yitzi. He healed my heart and now because of him it is broken. He taught me how to love and how to be loved. How to forgive and how to love life. The whole house revolves around him, yet he has never even seen my room. At night, it's me and my memories and conversations with G-D.