Monday, September 22, 2014

The Year in Review Part 2

After taking the time I needed (and perhaps a little more) to consider and acknowledge all I have lost this year, it is time to recognize all I have gained. On a scale, the gains far out way the losses. This year my family grew from the nine of us to all of us. I have met you in my home, in the streets, online, and thru friends. You have given time, love, energy and dinner every night to my family. You have cried with us and laughed with us.  We met you on the streets of Jerusalem, Chevron, Temecula, Boston, New York and Los Angeles.  We spent Chanukah and Pesach with you. We are forever grateful for your warmth and words of encouragement. You tell us your miracle stories and reassure us that ours is around the corner.  You take my kids to the park and give them an extra hug.  How can I say just say thank you for all of that?  Our family would not be where we are today without you. 
Our lives are laden with emotion. Much of the emotion is love, hope, and joy mixed in with bouts of fear, an occasional angry and a whole lot of tired.  You never judge us, you let us be what we are at the moment. You cry with us and celebrate with us.  You leave us feeling loved and we are in awe of you. 
A few weeks ago, Yitzi wrote on his weekly Torah blog about the blessings and the curses. The question arose, if G-d is all good, how can there be curses?  And he answers that there are outright blessings and then a deeper good that comes into the world through difficulty and suffering. We don't see them as blessings at the onset however with time we recognize how they are truly blessings. 
I imagined a world where everyone had what they needed, there was no sickness and no problems. The more I thought about it, the lonelier it seemed. We help each other, we get to know each other. We work together to make this world better, on a community level and a personal level. How many people have you met while you were helping someone else?  We band together in times of perceived "curses" and amazing things happen. We get to know each-other. I am very aware of all of the blessings that have come from this awful sickness and it is beautiful. 
This Rosh Hashana, I am sure your prayers will reach the heavens. May Hashem answer all of our prayers. May He heal all of our broken hearts, and may we merit to live in peace and harmony, yet together as was always the intention. 

Monday, September 15, 2014

Year in Review - Part 1

As the new year approaches, I've been thinking a lot of this past year.  Last year Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, and Succot we were in Temecula. We walked to the synogogue, and ate holiday meals together. My husband looked strong and healthy although he couldn't speak anymore and was having a lot of trouble eating. We were home with our community in our very precious Chabad House.  It's true I was preoccupied with trying to get a feeding tube put in and how ridiculous insurance companies are.  Yet we were so confident that our miracle was just around the corner.  I can't seem to wrap my head around the changes since then. How does that happen in one year?  It honestly breaks my heart. My children have been through so much, how is it possible for them to still smile and laugh?  It is kind of embarrassing to say, but my faith is struggling. I know many intelligent debates of G-d's plans and everything is for the good, yet I am perhaps too selfish to care about the long term good.  My soul is being held hostage and G-d is not telling me what the ransom is. We are stuck in this struggle of think good and it will be good, and the reality in front of us. Today the struggle is very heavy, perhaps tomorrow I will remember all of the amazing things we got to experience this year.