Sunday, March 20, 2016
Since our lifes' journey has taken this unexpected turn, we have been fortunate to meet many special people. Last week one of these people came by with his guitar, his harmonica, and his whole heart. Within minutes his warmth and love melted the walls of fear, anger, and sarcasm that have been surrounding me lately. It is my default setting and I've been really stuck in it . I know that I am there and I am not proud of it, but I justify it and tell myself that I have so many good reasons to be here. I would actually be a little crazy if I didn't feel like this. All of the conversations in my head say that this is the logical reaction to what has been going on, and I love logic. Yet I know that even if I am well justified, it is not a good place to be. But I feel safer here and somehow my anger makes me feel stronger. Being a person like me, all of this material and fuel is like a sarcastic persons dream. I fall asleep every night thinking, 'today was very hard, and tomorrow will be just as hard or maybe harder and I have no energy left.' Where has my courage gone? I realize that not much of our physical situation will likely change for many years, and that is if we are lucky. Yet I cannot go on like this. The only thing that I can do, is get out of this dark hole. I cannot see G-d from where I am and I need Him to survive. This position is not one of growth, of love, of hope. My ego has taken over and left no room to find G-d.
With one or two songs, sung with a pure and loving heart, all of that melted. I feel my heart expanding and the tears come to my eyes. The songs are simple and from my childhood.
"And the main thing is to have no fear at all."
When I asked him if he knows how many actual lives this song has saved, I was referring to mine.
"I sing to G-d, for He has shown kindness to me'"
G-d has reached out to me in my pit, and sent a friend to find me and to pull me out. Thank you for finding me and reconnecting me to my heart, to my soul, to G-d.