Thursday, January 5, 2017

The Marathon

Here I am, stuck in a small room with needles in my foot wondering how I got here. Well, it all started with Brocha. Brocha and I have been friends since first grade and for the most part of the last 36 years, we have been best friends. Brocha is built like a gazelle. She is tall and thin and very graceful. She is the type of person who has no clue how amazing she is, but her friends all know. She is loyal and kind and very giving. Brocha called me one day asking me if it would be ok if she ran the Miami Half Marathon to help out with our medical expenses. A thought ran through my head (so fast it was barely recognizable as a thought), wouldn't it be amazing if I could do that too? But I'm not built like Brocha and I am so frozen in my fear that there is no way I can do that. Well that year team Run4Yitzi began and raised $10,000. The next year the team grew and they raised $20,000. From the day of the marathon, I started dreaming of crossing that finish line. This time really thinking about it. Can you imagine being so free you can just run?  It became a sort of obsession in my thoughts. But I developed a foot problem so I had to wait until it got better to start running. I spoke in length to Brocha, about all the reasons I really need to do this. We decided to try and raise $50,000 this year. Both of these goals are very lofty. Me running and $50,000. The team kept on growing and the people running are really amazing. Some have been lifelong friends and some we have never met. Well, a few weeks into the training said foot problem came back with a vengeance. I tried to ignore it but that created other problems. I found a Dr. who practices a few forms of Chinese medicine and said he could help me avoid surgery but it will take three weeks and I have to be off my foot. Um, hello? Have you seen my life?  But I really want to do the run so I agree. So here I am sitting in what I refer to as the Chinese torture chamber contemplating the meaning of pain. This pain is necessary to get better but my reaction to pain is what I am trying to analyze. Why are we afraid of pain? I try to avoid it at all costs. It creates a panic and I have to remember my hypno birthing visualizations and breathing . And on top of all that, I try to hide it from the Dr. as if it's a bad thing to have any reaction to pain. He knows it's killing, I know it's killing, so why am I so afraid to show any reaction? I try to remember a Dvar Torah Yitzi wrote about pain being part of the plan. So I'm saying to myself, it's part of the plan, it's part of the plan....  But then, "OH MY GOODNESS, CHANGE THE DARN PLAN!!" It is curious to me that a foot can occupy an entire head. I try to just sit in the pain, actually, that's exactly what I am doing, yet I imagine I am anywhere else but here. I think of all the times I have been in pain and how each time it was different. Having babies, going to the dentist, headaches, heartaches.  When Yitzi first got sick, I welcomed physical pain. It was such a nice break from what was going on in my heart. But it's been years now, and I believe people who have constant pain get worn down, and any other pain is too much. I try to find a ray of sunlight in this situation, but I'm coming up empty. I know it's just a foot, but let's be honest, who has time for this? He says it's getting better but I can't tell. By now it's been almost two months and it's time to face the facts. I will not be able to run this year. More then feeling slightly dumb for having to go back on my word, I am sad that I won't be running with this amazing team. I am still hoping to avoid surgery, and to fix the problem, but it won't be on time for this year's marathon. The goal of the marathon is the same, to help raise money for the many medical expenses we have. If you haven't yet, please contribute to this run. Thank you and I hope to start training the minute the Dr. says I'm good on my feet.