I Would Certainly Die For You, But Can I Live For You?

There are so many songs and poems about dying for someone we love. Perhaps that is difficult, but not the most difficult. My struggle is living for the one I love. 

I spend many hours a day sitting with my husband. We talk, listen to lectures and music or just sit quietly. That is the easy part of the day. Walking out of the room and into the world is the hard part. He wants me to enjoy life, to grow and to experience more. I want to do that with him. I was never the type to adventure by myself, we did everything together, and always dreamed of what else we would do once the kids are a bit older. I tried doing some things with a friend and I would put on my brave face, and then the second I come home go running into his room crying.  It wasn't my friend's fault, she is just not Yitzi.  It's even harder when well meaning people tell me how brave I am to go out by myself, please don't remind me that I am by myself. I must be very stubborn to be still holding on to option A.  (I heard this term from Sheryl Sandberg who lost her husband and had to try option B, to raise her kids and live her life without him) I try to find things to do in his room. I painted a table last week, that was fun. When he has physical therapy, I do Pilates. Perhaps I will try guitar lessons, he always wanted to teach me, we just never had the time. Yet there are many more things outside of his room. I have gone into the outside scary world and tried to "live" for both of us. Sometimes it feels miserable and sometimes I enjoy it. It always comes at a price of exhaustion. Like a vulnerability hangover. It takes so much energy to hold my head up and smile, even when I am really happy to be doing what I am doing, it comes at a cost. Recently I went to a very close friend's wedding. I was away for three days. I really was so happy to be at the wedding, to meet the family I have heard so much about, but the next day was so hard. To go from such joy back to our reality, to remember the dreams of our wedding, to imagine my kids weddings... 

I still think it is worth it. Experience joy and meet new people even if it costs a lot. No matter how much we would like it to, life does not stand still. On my birthday this year I wrote about beginning this brave journey of finding out how to live a good and productive life despite my circumstances. It's like a slow waltz with one step in one direction and then in another.  And let's just say, my dancing skills are laughable. My hope is that I will be able to function in both worlds adequately. With my husband in my safe place and out in the world, where our children are heading.  As the new year approaches, I look back at the last year and let's be honest, it was hard. Not the type of hard I have the strength to repeat. I am tired. I stood still for much of this year and my kids all moved forward. My oldest, who literally saved me much of the year, has left to Jerusalem. While she learns and grows, she will be praying in all of the most holy sites we have daily. She is so brave and positive. Always happy and loves to make others happy - just like her Daddy. My other kids are getting older and learning more and are thankfully, really good kids. I have been so blessed in so many ways and I am so grateful to G-d for what he has given me. But please G-d, make this year better then last year. As much faith as You have in me, I have more in You. 

May we all be blessed with a good and sweet year. Yitzi always says that sweetness comes from having what you need. Being healthy, having resources to care for your family, and having family to care for. May it be so sweet.