Since our lifes' journey has taken this unexpected turn, we have been fortunate to meet many special people. Last week one of these people came by with his guitar, his harmonica, and his whole heart. Within minutes his warmth and love melted the walls of fear, anger, and sarcasm that have been surrounding me lately. It is my default setting and I've been really stuck in it . I know that I am there and I am not proud of it, but I justify it and tell myself that I have so many good reasons to be here. I would actually be a little crazy if I didn't feel like this. All of the conversations in my head say that this is the logical reaction to what has been going on, and I love logic. Yet I know that even if I am well justified, it is not a good place to be. But I feel safer here and somehow my anger makes me feel stronger. Being a person like me, all of this material and fuel is like a sarcastic persons dream. I fall asleep every night thinking, 'today was very hard, and tomorrow will be just as hard or maybe harder and I have no energy left.' Where has my courage gone? I realize that not much of our physical situation will likely change for many years, and that is if we are lucky. Yet I cannot go on like this. The only thing that I can do, is get out of this dark hole. I cannot see G-d from where I am and I need Him to survive. This position is not one of growth, of love, of hope. My ego has taken over and left no room to find G-d.
With one or two songs, sung with a pure and loving heart, all of that melted. I feel my heart expanding and the tears come to my eyes. The songs are simple and from my childhood.
"And the main thing is to have no fear at all."
When I asked him if he knows how many actual lives this song has saved, I was referring to mine.
"I sing to G-d, for He has shown kindness to me'"
G-d has reached out to me in my pit, and sent a friend to find me and to pull me out. Thank you for finding me and reconnecting me to my heart, to my soul, to G-d.
Wow Dina, I have always admired your strength since the first time that I was introduced to you and your family by Bassie Marcus of Mission Viejo Chabad. At the time and still ongoing my family has undergone many dark times dealing with our son who was a heroin addict and I can say now a recovering addict thanks to the great work done by the Chabad Rehad center in LA. You tapped into me and gave me courage and hope for a better days to come, when I was at my weakest, lowest, angriest most vounrable time. I was preparing to say good bye to my Son, a long good bye, as he had been slowly dying for many years from his addiction. I was mentally, physically and emotionally on this journey with him and saw no end except the inevitable. There were times when I thought that Hashem had abandoned me, I believed in the promise that he walked with me in all my trials, I fought with him, questioned him, denied him, but ultimately I cleved to him as I knew deep down he cried with me. I allowed him in, into my most deepest fears, and there he lifted me to endure another day.
ReplyDeleteI can't say that I feel the exact pain that you are going through as each of us are unique and I have no answers for you but I do know about long goodbyes and uncertain tomorrow's. My prayer for you is one of strength, courage, and love.
Both of my parents obm had physical challenges all their lives - my father since birth and my mother since she was nine months old. They each endured excruciating pain but once they opened the door to go outside they put on smiles. Humor and song was their way of managing their situation. They were respected, loved, and admired for their personalities, their talents, but most of all their honesty, truthfulness, and menschlichkeit. They bore their challenges with dignity and were happy people. They used to say Di Aybishter feert zich zen velt un mir tornisht freigen farvoos. There are times those words are hard to accept but in the long run they are true. May the Aybishter continue to envelope you with love, Chochmah, Bina, and Daas to face each day and night with courage, fortitude, strength, and revealed miracles. Wishing you and your family a most freilichan Purim. Virtual hugs from Yerushalayim Ir HaKodesh.
ReplyDeleteחזק ואמץ! As I write these words I think of the camp song "Chazak Ve’ematz, always remember Be strong in your trust, not a pretender...". Who am I to tell you this?
ReplyDeleteYou are an inspiration to me and many many other people. That being said, as a human being i'm sure many times over it's impossible for you to endure this, however, myself among others cannot even fathom your pain but rather look up to you for inspiration, strength & words of courage.
Keep up the amazing work and hoping to hear miraculous news very soon!
I've been a widow with 4 little boys for 5 years now, and only now has my situation taken me to my lowest point. I hope HaShem sends a messenger into my pit soon...may you always be able to connect to the messages of light & love from above.
ReplyDeleteI've been a widow with 4 little boys for 5 years now, and only now has my situation taken me to my lowest point. I hope HaShem sends a messenger into my pit soon...may you always be able to connect to the messages of light & love from above.
ReplyDeleteMay you only have blessings ahead, and Hashem give you renewed energy and light. He will.
DeleteMay HaShem Bless you and your family.
ReplyDeleteHi
ReplyDeleteWhat you are going through no person should even need to.
If in any way it can be consolation (I also make reference to a congregate of mine who was stricken with ALS at the end of Chapter 1) perhaps some of these ideas may give you lift.
https://kabbalahwisdom.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/life-course-book-pdf.pdf
BTW on a practical note it may be wise to ensure that your husband is receiving vitamins etc. as part of his food as healthy eating is vital for the body.
I came across your blog by chance, but after reading many of your entries and being inspired beyond words, I know that it is no mistake that I happened upon these beautiful musings of your heart. We each have our own unique challenges in life and sometimes we feel like we're drowning. Reading your words that were written with such honesty and raw emotion has given me a shot of inspiration and chizuk that I so desperately needed at this time. May the zchus of inspiring Klal Yisroel bring a refuah shlaima b'karov to your dear husband and all of Klal Yisroel.
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog by chance, but after reading many of your entries and being inspired beyond words, I know that it is no mistake that I happened upon these beautiful musings of your heart. We each have our own unique challenges in life and sometimes we feel like we're drowning. Reading your words that were written with such honesty and raw emotion has given me a shot of inspiration and chizuk that I so desperately needed at this time. May the zchus of inspiring Klal Yisroel bring a refuah shlaima b'karov to your dear husband and all of Klal Yisroel.
ReplyDeleteWe have some challenges in our life... they keep me awake at night too.
ReplyDeleteBut, of course, my challenges are silly compared to what you deal with day and night. I am touched by your willingness to be so open with us....to share yourself so honestly. May Hashem give you strength and courage and happiness 0 yes, tons and tons of happiness.
Dina,
ReplyDeleteJust know that there are others out there...like me who are with you, even if in spirit.
Half way across the United States, I am with you, love you, praying for you in sincerity.
G-D gave us to one another, because we need one another.
It's hard to admit we are a needy people but we are.
Humbleness is what He looks for in us, when we are weak, then He can prove Himself strong.
Your sister, with love,
Martha
Dina,
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog by mere chance. As almost everybody we have had our share of desperation, uncertainty, pain, anger, sense of powerlessness. What your family and yourself have been going through is hard, very hard. How can we make sense of so much pain? Yes, sometimes, many times, we are at the center of what is causing pain. After all we all have choices to make, and we do make those choices, without thinking the consequences for others, sometimes we know and do not care. But sometimes pain and sorrow come out of nothing, they simple happen to us. Up to this point I do not understand it. Is it just a capricious and random fact of our nature? After all we are humans with all the greatness that it implies, but all the flaws inherent to such conditions. Recently a friend of mine was diagnosed with ALS. The news came as thunder to all of us. He is a good person. He has done good. He is joyful. He is a friend. He was with my family and myself during our darkest hours, giving us a bit of light. Now he is in this predicament. I do not know. I do not understand. Is there any morality in the way nature condemn some of us to suffer? Is there need for more pain? Is it the price we have to pay for the gift of being conscious, knowing wrong form right? However, one thing I can say, friendship and love have always helped my to make some sense of all this implacable nonsense.
Thank your for sharing your thoughts and feelings. My thoughts and feelings are with you, your family and your husband.
Hugo Santos
ps. English is not my first language (as you can see form the text above) but even in Spanish I tend to be a bit confusing.
Your blog has a profound impact on me. It has reminded me to appreciate the small things in life. May your bitter challenges soon turn into sweet blessings.
ReplyDelete