Monday, March 20, 2017
Recognizing Loss and Changes
There is another aspect of long term illness I want to share. Along the way there are so very many losses and each one is painful. When Yitzi first got sick, I knew with absolute certainty that I would not survive without him. Is it even possible to live without your heart? Without the person who makes me me? We did everything together. He was a very hands on father and husband. He took care of so many things, how could I even manage without him? I feel like it is a bit cruel, to force me to manage without him before I have to. I was perfectly content to die with him, or at the very least, to stop living. And now, I do almost everything on my own and I am not dying. (We have so much help and support from the community, so in no measure am I actually doing it alone, but I am refering to living my life as a mother and wife and friend.) I am going to have to live without Yitzi. I have already lost his smell, his sound, his music, his touch, his easygoing way of taking care of the kids and me. I have to function in a world where for the most part, he is not by my side. It is true that I still have him, and of course I love that and thank G-d for that daily. But the losses, well they are there to great me every night instead of sleep.
*These same symptoms would apply to people suffering prolonged abuse of any kind as well.