Friday, May 23, 2014
Ramblings of a Broken Heart
It's time to get real. Life is hard. I thought I was handling it fairly decent, and then all of sudden it got too hard too quickly. The positive side of my brain has taken a break and all I'm left with is “Why?”. If all we know about G-d is true, why would He do this? Why would He create us as thinking, logical beings and put us in a world that makes no sense? Why, if the body is a tool for the soul to soar, is it now a jail? Why are all of the prayers and good deeds not enough? Why can this ever be for the good? Why isn't my husband angry? Why does G-d think I can handle this? Why does anybody think that?
I acknowledge that we are extremely blessed. There are many who do not have the life-vests we do to prevent us from sinking. There are many who are alone in their pain, without the love and support of friends, family, and community. On many days that is enough for me, to know that we are surrounded by unbelievably amazing human beings. But then I watch my husband get weaker and all I want is a miracle from G-d. It's not that I just want it, I need it to live. I am but half of a whole, and not even the better half. How does a person survive without a heart?
My logical brain says G-d wants something from us. He had a different path for us then the one we were on. So he loads us like a cannonball, and shoots us out. We landed so far from where we were, it is almost hard to recognize ourselves. We are in a different city, different schools, totally different lives. We have changed in many ways. We will never be the people we were before and that is fine. We have grown and become stronger. So thank you G-d for that. But now, You are breaking us. Would it not serve You better to remove this test? We are your biggest fans and we will use what we learned to help this broken world. You must know that. But there is nothing good about being too broken. The world has enough pain to last a millenia, is there really a need for more?
In the past few months I have seen something incredible. When a person hears of someone else breaking their foot, we feel bad for them. When we hear of someone's heartache, we actually feel pain for them. We cry for each other, we pray for each other, and we celebrate with each other. This Pesach was spent with many wonderful people. On the way home I saw my several of my children crying. When asked why they told me that their friends were going back to New York for their father's first Yarztheit, and that broke their hearts. Can you imagine that my kids have room for the pain of others? They hardly ever cry. G-d!!! Do you hear me? Is there no other way to accomplish what You need? Even the hearts of the broken have the capacity for compassion. Are we not in Your image?