What's In Your Coffee?

I can't remember when I started drinking coffee. I have always loved the taste and couldn't wait to grow up so I could drink it. My mother told me that it would stunt my growth and at the height of almost five feet, I just couldn't risk it. Sometime after high school I started. I never bought fancy coffee, in those days almost no one did, just taster's choice. By the time I got married I was a coffee drinker. Once married, Yitzi would make me coffee. Not that if he didn't, I was insulted, it was just one of those ways he took care of me. I don't sleep well so I am always tired in the morning and it also helped with the slightly low blood pressure.  When I got pregnant with my first, without saying anything, he switched it to decaf. It was a month before I realized and knowing that caffeine is not great for the baby I allowed it. By the other pregnancies, I already knew better. No tricks this time. I argued that I also had a responsibility to take care of the baby and then the babies. None of that would be possible without the coffee. I didn't drink a lot, just one or two cups of instant a day, and I wasn't picky, just don't buy anything that's not taster's choice. Yitzi experimented with flavoring along the way. A little cinnamon, some vanilla, caramel... They were all delicious but don't mess with my first cup. Anything after that is game. Eventually I started drinking more, the one or two didn't work that well, but how I drank it never changed. When I started it was with milk and sugar. Then we found out that sugar is the great Satan and I switched to Splenda. When Splenda went to the dark side, I switched to stevia. But I always had that sweet cup of coffee to greet me in the morning.  On several occasions I have tried to quit (usually before a fast day), but have never been successful. I remember calling my brother and telling him that in cutting down from four cups a day, I am now at six. 

In my quest to take better care of myself, I have cut certain foods out of my diet. Among them is milk and any kind of sweetener. My coffee is a disaster. It makes me want to cry daily. A few days ago I was telling a few friends that it was like a big delicious hug every morning for twenty years, and I miss it. I know that words have meaning and the words we choose to describe feelings are often very telling.  Many of us have emotional bonds with food, and it can evoke many feelings. My cup of sweet coffee is like a hug. It's not that I miss having my coffee just so, it's the man that always brought me the coffee. It is a hug from him that I miss. It's the way he made me feel cherished that I miss. After having a good cry on the subject, I decided not to belittle my feelings. This is hard, and I miss being taken care of and its ok to feel that way. 

This morning when I made my not delicious coffee, it wasn't disgusting, it was just sad and that's ok for now. Hopefully soon I will learn to enjoy the taste of plain coffee. After all, it's just coffee.