Sunday, December 14, 2014

Highs and Lows

Last Chanukah, we all prepared the menorahs with so much joy and excitement. We love Chanukah. I watched Yitzi prepare his menorah, shine it, set it up, and light the Shamesh. Suddenly his joy turned to confusion, now what?  He could no longer speak, and no longer make the blessings. I quickly turned to our oldest son and said "Please make the Bracha with Tatty".  A moment of surprise, followed by a moment of grief, then a beautiful smile and with his head held high, he made the Bracha with (for) his father. Almost the same voice, the same tune, and the same smile. At the first opportunity, I ran to my room to fall apart. All I could think of, was how much we had lost. I cried half of Chanukah (at least), until I finally caught myself. I refocused on all we still have and all we have gained. It was a monster of an effort, but it worked.
So here we are again. Comparing this year to last, wondering why I didn't appreciate what we had.  I had a husband that could walk, and dance, and light the menorah.  We were not bed bound, he could communicate with his phone.  And here I am, wondering if I will go through this again next year.
Is there a way to skip the first part, where I cry for days, and just focus on the amazing blessings we have?  I don't even know how to do that.  There is a cycle, with highs and lows. You can't just skip around can you?  My moments (or days) of fears and pain have always helped me to a greater understanding and a closeness to Hashem.  How can I do that without ruining Chanukah?  I honestly don't know. I have two days to figure it out.


  1. Your strength is mind boggling! Hashem should continue giving you the strength to navigate this bumpy journey and to help you keep seeing everything in a positive light. May this chanuka be the chanuka of the miracle of the hurwitz family and your husband should have a refuah shelaima!!

  2. just keep moving and Hashem will provide you with strength...

  3. my heart and prayers are constantly with you and your fam